today Feb 19th

its been almost 3 weeks since I learned that my baby died inutero. and almost two since I gave birth.

Some days are better than others, today has sucked. I just feel off. and easily triggered. I feel alone today.

Ijust want to be ok.

I wish i knew all my options when i decided to wait it out, I may have actually gone for the medical approach had I known there was so much misinformation and some with little info at all in regards to options either for testing or for burial in an earlier miscarriage.

It seems at this moment because my baby wasn't ripped out of me medically he wasn't a person and doesnt have rights. It seems like the ony option is to throw my baby out.

I asked the midwife if i should go to the hospital, possibly to get baby tested, she told me there was no point they wouldnt accept it. so i didnt go. but i found out that they would had i gone and not frozen the baby, and even if I had chosen not to go for testing the hospital is needed to release the remains to a funeral home if you want to have a service for your baby. Info, i would have gotten at the hospital had I went. and Info I really believe every care provider needs to be aware of so people can make an informed decision an what to do with their precious little ones if they miscarry. Many Hospitals have a grief/loss office and they would have had the info.

This is not something that should be found out in bits and pieces on your own. For me it's dragging out healing.


Maybe I just had too much of an idealistic view of what midwives do. To me a midwife is there someone you build a relationship with and can call to help you through or at least helps you find these services post. I have my family Dr who though i see weekly for b12 shots I don't connect with and if he disagrees with you he often disregards what you are saying entirely. Having ongoing frequent care doesn't equal having good care. It is the best I have had in this Provence though.

So here i am waiting for counseling services to start, my midwife has directed me back to my family dr for care in the mean time and really he isn't good enough. I went to midwives because I wanted more than what a dr could give me. And I think It is a bit sad that even my bully of a ob for my last pregnancy would have followed up on my mental health that day the next day the next week.

Why when I think midwives to I think a Hippy community where they will bring you a casserole to make sure you're eating more than the 5L of ice cream you just ate?

I expected more, I expected information, so i could make an informed choice, all my decisions this last three weeks have been fear and grief based. I am scared and I am lonely. And I just want to stop crying when I am crying and I wonder why the hell I am not when I don't.

I need a nap and for someone to make me dinner before I end up letting all my food spoil....