Changes!

Warning this may be TMI for some.

Well we filed our taxes... 4 years worth, big return. Dave has interviewed for a new job and once everything is signed he will be starting in the near future, with a pretty decent pay bump.

H is doing well in preschool doing so much motor development and is getting discharged from speech therapy!

Addy is growing up too fast when asked she says she is three and she just turned two end of march ;)

and I found out i was pregnant on Thursday! I had a cyst pop early this month on day 12 of my cycle. i thought it was possibly ovulation bleeding or even like previous pregnancies implantation (both tyler whom I lost and addy were conceived the day after my period ended.)

so I bought early test strips from http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/extra-sensitive-pregnancy-test.html it took 10-12 days to come so i thought for sure it would be turning positive soon as i had symptoms. i knew it could be because i wanted it so badly so while disappointed I was ok with it. It became clear that my body was trying to ovulate for over two weeks starting with that cyst rupturing at day12.

my cycle before I was pregnant with Tyler was 30 days long, and I have only had one good one since his loss and it was 6 weeks from the horrible ones that were one week after each-other. so on day 29 after over a week of testing and no + i was pretty sure i wasn't since these tests are so sensitive. Day 30 it was negative at 3 min went away came back a few hours later and there was a line (none had done that before) but i know there is a chance of evap lines. thought nothing of it was going to test the next day, but my cervical mucus changed. it was really really thick. !!!! so i tested that night and it showed up VERY faint at 2-3 min... Hubs like last time tried to say it wasn't a positive and i just wanted it to be positive. yadda yadda. He just dosen't believe it until they are solid lines. that photograph better than this:

 I am at most 3-3.5 weeks pregnant based on the HCG level that these test positive at. so no guarantee it will be a sticky babe but I hope so. Ive even gone to acupuncture lots of chiro and started Craniosacral therapy in hopes to balance my body so it can carry a baby better, along with takeing COQ10 and I may start baby aspirin, and will get active folate.








Oh and the last class of drivers Ed was today... when I was in it last time before we moved to bc i found out I was pregnant with Hayls lol

I havnt written for a while.

things are looking up. I Started incorporating some things from the Gaps diet. I stopped fainting I have less cravings, I have the energy I had just before I got sick from going grain free and even more sick while pregnant and even weaker when I lost the baby. I was a ghost at 1/4 speed. But i still muddled through as best I could. I felt ok, but I am sure I numbed myself. I often do along with distracting myself with each new challenge it takes over in intensity and leaves nothing to overcome old obstacles I Mindfully have to find my way back to heal, daily. it has been 12 weeks and yet it feels like I blinked. I am extra emotional as my period came back, just one more thing to make it real. And more hormones welled up inside pushing all the feelings to the surface. Mother nature has a plan, of renewal. once a month when we are forced to feel and release the tensions we hold in. You would not know it from the outside, no one ever does as I have learned to hide it, I am incredibly anxious. It's not a state of mind but of being my body is sensitive and as the Dr puts it has no breaks its stuck on go. over the years I have learned to mimic calmness. But I am starting to actually feel it, by embracing myself and the impact I have around me. Good and Bad. And even sorting through my perceptions and trying to find the medium ground. The gaps diet is helping so much, its keeping me from fainting, it gave me my color back, it slowed down my heart rate so I am not a ball of nerves. But today as I find reason to use the diva cup I bought and was delivered to me a week after I found out I was pregnant, That fact has me in tears. It makes me sad. I miss my baby Tyler. Today I cry for you like I haven't in maybe months now. time and life moved on But you are still loved and not forgotten.

Funky Little EarthChild: Right to Write

since an incidence with something similar ive been struggling to find the words to write this, just this. she says it so well.

Funky Little EarthChild: Right to Write

tips for letting go and moving on (in any situation you're depressed about and holding onto)

‎7 Tips to Surviving Tough Times


1. Stop The Victim Mentality

It’s really a waste of time, thinking “why me”. I’ve wasted enough brain bytes, going over this question like a mantra and yet, this questioning has not helped me one bit. So my first suggestion is to stop the victim mentality.



When you ask yourself “why me”, you are intending to say that you do not deserve what life has handed out to you. However, from what we know from the Law of Attraction or metaphysics, you cannot be a true victim because you have attracted a negative outcome into your physical reality somehow.

Fortunately, thoughts can be changed, to effect new changes. As you become more positive in your thoughts, you are sending out energy vibrations that match more desirable outcomes. The Universe responds by delivering what you have intended to you.

“Humans think they are asking with their words, or even with their action, and sometimes you are, but the Universe is not responding to your words or your action. The Universe is responding to your vibrational calling.”— Teachings from Abraham by Esther and Jerry Hicks

2. Trash The Worry

Worrying does not get you anywhere. I know it is easier said than done. It is human nature to worry. But the more you train your mind to be in a state of peace and calm, the less likely it will bring itself on a downward spiral.

Here is an exercise that you can do. Imagine in your mind the worries that you are having, each written on a seperate piece of paper. Then, visualize rolling the piece of paper and trashing them one-by-one.

Contemplate on this practical advice……

“A difficult situation can be handled in two ways: We can either do something to change it or face it. If we can do something, then why worry and get upset over it – just change it. If there is nothing we can do, again, why worry and get upset over it? Things will not get better with anger and worry.” —- Shantideva

3. Conquer The Fear

Undoubtedly you will need to have courage when you are faced with fear. Fear grips you when you are thrust into the unknown. You lose all sense of security when things are in the rough and you are not sure in which way, the future will unfold. In your moment of desperation, you are willing to grasp at the weakest straw even though it feels as if you are already drowning.

Yet, if you stop struggling and calm down, the answer on how to stay afloat may just appear before you. It is harder for such an answer to come, if your mind is on “how not to drown” rather than “how do I survive”.

You conquer the fear by framing your mind in the positive. Let go of the fear and tell yourself “I can and I shall”.

4. Perceive Problems Appropriately

It is possible that you magnify your problems from what they truly are. When you lose someone, you feel that you can never be happy again. When you feel that your work goes unrecognised, life sucks. When you face bankruptcy, you think that you can never pick yourself up again. And you choose to carry all that hurt, pain or emotional baggage around.
It will help to remind yourself that nothing is permanent. All things will one day come to an end. Including bad episodes. However, the longer you stay stuck in your level of pain, the worse it can be for you. Just remember about what the Law of Attraction says.

It’s all in the mind. How you face up to your problems makes a world of difference. It may also be that you are always pointing your finger outwards rather than at yourself.

“It’s always someone else’s fault!” you say.

Really?

It is important to know that you have as much to play in how things are turning out. Your consciousness is likely to have attracted a negative outcome because you’ve been exuding negative energy all along.

5. Ask Yourself If A Major Life Lesson Awaits

We all know that life is a continuous journey of ups and downs. Unfortunately, things can get a lot worse before they get better.

It is possible that from all the pain that you are going through now, a lesson about life awaits. Allow me to let you in on my secret from going through so many dramatic episodes previously: if I failed to learn my lesson the last time around; by life’s design, I find that I’m made to go through over and over again. Until I saw the light.

If you examine your history, you cannot help but repeat it! Law of Attraction says it is so: “Whatever I am looking at, I am including in my vibration.” — Teachings from Abraham by Esther and Jerry Hicks

So instead of “why me”, perhaps you should be asking yourself if there is some key lesson that you have missed out on and are expected to learn.

6. Practice Faith

It may be hard to have faith that you can overcome your problems, whilst you are in the thick of it. Yet, do be reminded that we all go through valleys and peaks in our lives. Think back about the last time when you went through a rough period. Did you not waste much time and mental energy brooding over your problems? With the elapse of time, you may even forget why you got so wound up in the first place.

Ask the Universe on a better state of affairs to what you are experiencing now. If you are on a journey because you are being fuelled by a vision, have faith that what you aspire to bring about will come true. Some visualization will help. Constantly, keep the big picture in your mind.

As each difficulty comes along, deal with it. Trust that with each surely step you take, a dim of light – in the darkest and deepest shadows of the forest – will shine through, casting itself on your path. That dim of light soon grows in strength, giving way to a strong burst of warm loving sunshine.

“Faith is like electricity. You can’t see it, but you can see the light.” — Unknown

7. Brave On With A Smile

Perhaps this is the most difficult of all. Yet, we often read of accounts of how successful people have triumphed over their failures, not just through sheer grit but also demonstrated a surprising amount of goodwill and light, even during the worst of times.

When you are going through difficulties, it is easy to put on a sulky face and to show it to the world. Perhaps what would help is to remind yourself that you are not the only one with problems. Remember this saying “I complained that I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.”

When you can set aside your ego and remove yourself from making much ado about your problems, then it is possible to even rejoice in the little comfort that you still have in your life.

Is thankful for writeing. march 10 2012

I wrote about how i reacted to a situation that happened on facbook after I had a miscarriage last month, I left the detail out as they are not important, I was reflecting on how I reacted to that and other tough things in my life. And how I use distractions during hard times in my life to not deal with my grief.

I am so grateful I wrote it out. It released some anger i was feeling, mostly at myself for allowing myself to be distracted from the task at hand. And for beating myself up about it and everything else Ive ever done wrong in my life all at the same time. Again for those who don't know me I am a sensitive soul and all past trauma comes back to haunt me often with each new struggle, it is a lot of work to get in front of it. This time was not as bad as any time it has happened before I wasn't tormented by it, but i was detached, I was dissociating, I wasn't feeling. It was a stark contrast from just the day before where I wore my heart on my sleeve. I knew something was up but could not put my finger on it as I felt "ok"

I am grateful for Dialectical behavior therapy the skills are mostly what kept me from letting my thoughts take me for a ride.

I gave birth to an 8 week fetus but I was almost 12 weeks pregnant maybe even more I am pretty sure I was 4 weeks pregnant alot sooner than when the test finial said pregnant I likely was 7 weeks by the time i found out but it only tested positive that week, and if the baby grew at a regular rate, which I dont know if he did I was only carrying him for a week of knowing he for sure was real and the day he passed... I was more pregnant than the size of the baby, And I loved the baby for each day it existed... even before the test tested positive.

All that energy I used to not get taken down by my thoughts kept me from healing in that time. I noticed my thoughts and my feelings, I wrote it out and the next day I was able to cry again to grieve the loss of the baby.

For those who read this blog for whatever motive, support, curiosity, to get fodder etc, most people who know me don't know How much I believe in fighting for social causes. This cause was in my heart long before this miscarriage. And it is not just about miscarriage, how we view it in society says alot about the society as a whole, and it shows us where our system is failing. It is more than the babies and it is more than just our own experiences in a tough situation, it is about birthing autoimmunity, continuity of care, it is about postpartum mental health, and that you cannot separate the issues as they are parts of the whole. no matter when you give "birth" to your baby all the same rights and levels of care should be provided. We all are parts of the puzzle how we treat each other as women in similar situations says a lot about how we treat ourselves, and it says so much about our society.

and maybe if the messages we receive about this can be changed I hope one day, we all can be kinder to ourselves and each other.

And as I write this It is giving me ideas on what to write in my letter to the health minister about the lack of support/ care / information in this Provence for greiveing parents. Someone needs to have all the answers in all the same place. When I went to look each person told me to ask someone else. It was frustrating and that too kept me from healing, and moving on. The system failed.

It's been one month

And things are getting back to normal. But I don't feel the same drive in things that interest me. Though I have regained old ones.

My sensitive nature has been shook. It wasn't the miscarriage. It was something else entirely, that came out of it. because I dared to face it head on. Unlike any time Ive been faced with grieving before.

I shut down when my brother disappeared and was later found dead. But rather than focus on me and how i was coping I was petrified to lose anyone else that I tried to save my family. And it slowly killed my spirit. And it triggered my over active nervous system, i became anxious and depressed, I took the meds to make me better, but instead of better they made me manic. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2. and later with Bipolar 3 (medication triggered bipolar) I am so much better without them.

when my aunt passed I didnt go to her funeral because I said goodbye in the hospital, but not six months later I had to remind myself she had passed over and over.

My dad I mourned six ways from Tuesday, before he even died. He was a shell of himself most of the time I was alive. Since his dad passed away before i was even a glimmer in anyone's eye. he would be ok for a bit then regress into anger and lashing out.

He only got how he treated us when he lived with a woman who was very similar to him. But he gave up on life and killed himself with food. (heart attack and diabetes)

I watched my parents during the loss of my brother.

I watched my brother when he lost his best friend to cancer at age 7, I watched his parents deal with the loss, and then not a year later I watched them again when their younger son died. I watched when my 7 year old cousin died in his sleep and saw how my uncle handled the loss. He was lost in grief. And it took him a long time to begin come to terms.

With my sensitive nature I feel the feelings or the energy in the room. I feel all of it magnified, I take it on. even if its not mine to take.

I will feel the anger, I will feel the fear, I will feel the sadness, I will feel the love, the excitement. Often I don't know what to do with all the extra information. I have to notice the thoughts and the feelings and accept that they are there. I have to work hard to see if it was my own feeling or a stolen one. This is why I am so against projecting feelings onto others. you never know who in the room is emotionally sympathetic and will take on all that you have to give, and it will get you no closer to healing. all it will do is make someone almost as miserable as you feel.

I am facing it head on but I fear the situation that came of it has derailed the healing and I am now focassing on that more than on anything else, much like when I had PPD/PTSD after the birth of my first. and I lost friends due to it, because I was just being me. I am "a person like that" whatever that sweeping blanket statement really means. It's more saying you're not like me I don't understand you and I won't try. With the ppd I didn't attach to my first child until she was close to two, she was also delayed and still is. I still mourn the loss of a healthy child, I mourn the loss of a healthy birth experience, I mourn the loss of a healthy pregnancy. I mourn the loss of the child I had envisioned, but she was still here. I would forget I had a child unless she was with me at all times.

I stayed with the friend who told me i was just being me and i was a "person like that" there was a lot of yelling in the home, and it triggered me and brought me back to my childhood, the yelling the I am not good enough, I will always be like that messages I got from my parents. They told their son very similar things. I got lost in that world of fear and self loathing. It was my experience I tried to explain but could not bring myself to say to a military wife that I was having flashbacks and i wasn't judging her. I wasn't in her home I was in my childhood home being emotionally abused by a figment that wasn't there. It didn't help her home looked much like a family friends house growing up. that week changed my ptsd flashbacks went from that of the birth and almost losing my life and my baby's life to my childhood and losing a friend I desperately wanted to get closer to. I beat myself up for not speaking up and trusting myself enough to say it right. So I decided I would rather be hated and dropped than make things worse. I lost my friend who I expected support from. I tortured myself thinking I could have said what I was actually going through rather than accept I was in fact "a person like that" so that's what i was. I was "like that"

I am passionate about people and causes, I tend to be idealistic and I tend to bring myself through the ringer any chance I get. I judge me. and often in conversing the judgment shows and I am my worst critic. I do my best to not judge others and if i do I reflect on where that is coming from and often its because I judge me (and my parents). I have impossibly high standards on myself. I cannot live up to them and don't expect it of others. It would be a fools errand.

things are getting back to normal. but I lost a piece of myself even after I found how strong I was, one interaction shook me down. Sometimes its better to be flexible like bamboo than as strong as oak. I long for the middle ground.

ME! me me me!

there I said it.

This is my blog, essentially I am shearing my diary with you, these are the thoughts I think about but don't share, that I use to torture myself with, I need to write it down and share or those words take on a life of their own.

Negative and even positive judgements are welcome here I do not censor, as each person here was curious enough to drop by, and read, weather it be to tell me how horrible I must be or the ever less comfortable complimenting. I am by no means used to having support, even when I had it growing up, I could not ACCEPT IT for what it was. The negative messages won time and time again. I did little right from the things I heard. and even when I did right the compliments often had modifiers which made it less of a compliment and more of a back handed comment. Which would leave me confused and full of mixed emotions before I just disregarded the whole exchange but holding onto the negative part of it.

Earlier this week there was an exchange on something I was passionate about. I could go on and on about the catylist but that is not the point and very obvious if you go to the beginning of feb of this year on my blog. Taboo, in all its forms is a human rights issue. no matter what topic it's applied to. Taboo instills censorship. And shame on those who insist on maintaining the taboo.

Merely existing when people hate you is enough to think the worst in you. no matter what reality actually was. I've heard time and time again, there is THREE versions of reality, my version your version, and what actually happened.

like Adam says though " i reject your reality and substitute my own!"

I have more to say but need to reflect more and find words and get out of my dissociative funk.