righteous indignation vs anger?

been thinking about this alot lately so thought I would write it down here for further reflection.

"All anger is by no means sinful; it was designed by the Author of our nature for self-defense; nor is it altogether a selfish passion, since it is excited by injuries offered to others as well as ourselves, and sometimes prompts us to reclaim offenders from sin and danger, but it becomes sinful when conceived upon trivial occasions or inadequate provocations; when it breaks forth into outrageous actions; vents itself in reviling language, or is concealed in our thoughts to the degree of hatred" (Buck's Theological Dictionary).

I don't know how i feel about that definition truthfully, I am not religious. I do however know Anger is often a veil for another emotion I am not dealing with.

this seems like a more agreeable definition to me as its non secular and to the point:

Main Entry: righteous indignation
Part of Speech: n
Definition: retribution, retributive justice; anger and contempt combined with a feeling that it is one's right to feel that way; anger without guilt.


my question is this though what makes anger justified to you? to me if its a primary emotion rather than being used as a veil that for me is rare, and I know its different for others.

today Feb 19th

its been almost 3 weeks since I learned that my baby died inutero. and almost two since I gave birth.

Some days are better than others, today has sucked. I just feel off. and easily triggered. I feel alone today.

Ijust want to be ok.

I wish i knew all my options when i decided to wait it out, I may have actually gone for the medical approach had I known there was so much misinformation and some with little info at all in regards to options either for testing or for burial in an earlier miscarriage.

It seems at this moment because my baby wasn't ripped out of me medically he wasn't a person and doesnt have rights. It seems like the ony option is to throw my baby out.

I asked the midwife if i should go to the hospital, possibly to get baby tested, she told me there was no point they wouldnt accept it. so i didnt go. but i found out that they would had i gone and not frozen the baby, and even if I had chosen not to go for testing the hospital is needed to release the remains to a funeral home if you want to have a service for your baby. Info, i would have gotten at the hospital had I went. and Info I really believe every care provider needs to be aware of so people can make an informed decision an what to do with their precious little ones if they miscarry. Many Hospitals have a grief/loss office and they would have had the info.

This is not something that should be found out in bits and pieces on your own. For me it's dragging out healing.


Maybe I just had too much of an idealistic view of what midwives do. To me a midwife is there someone you build a relationship with and can call to help you through or at least helps you find these services post. I have my family Dr who though i see weekly for b12 shots I don't connect with and if he disagrees with you he often disregards what you are saying entirely. Having ongoing frequent care doesn't equal having good care. It is the best I have had in this Provence though.

So here i am waiting for counseling services to start, my midwife has directed me back to my family dr for care in the mean time and really he isn't good enough. I went to midwives because I wanted more than what a dr could give me. And I think It is a bit sad that even my bully of a ob for my last pregnancy would have followed up on my mental health that day the next day the next week.

Why when I think midwives to I think a Hippy community where they will bring you a casserole to make sure you're eating more than the 5L of ice cream you just ate?

I expected more, I expected information, so i could make an informed choice, all my decisions this last three weeks have been fear and grief based. I am scared and I am lonely. And I just want to stop crying when I am crying and I wonder why the hell I am not when I don't.

I need a nap and for someone to make me dinner before I end up letting all my food spoil....

Sat Feb 11th- Today, releif.

Today, today is a new day. It hurts a little less, but I still am raw. I still easily shed tears. There is still someone missing in my heart, as there always will be from the day we found out the baby died. It wasn't even two weeks ago, that we found out and was less than a week since I gave birth.


But today, though I was petrified yesterday I would have to go in for a DnC because I am just so paranoid that there was tissue left, due to clots yesterday, the bleeding has almost stopped. My mood is better. 


I talked with the midwife, we have a plan. I will be referred to the recurrent pregnancy loss clinic. We will try and get the remains tested, no garuntees though.


I joined a bereavement group that met the day after I miscarried.


There is a memorial service for infant child and pregnancy loss at a church a couple towns away next saturday.


I SLEPT!!! I got some valerian root as nothing else I have was working. often 20mg of melitonin wasn't enough. I was getting 2-4 hours a night.


I even got a nap today.


one thing that does suck is that with my second child we got an ultrasound at almost exactly the same gestation as this baby should have been. And hormones suck i'ts the same damn ones you get full term but you dont get to bring a baby home that sucks the most.its easier to deal with them when there is a purpose.

The miscarriage.

We found out Jan 31st our little one died in utero weeks prior by blood test. Confirmed the next day by ultrasound. He Passed the end of the first week or beginning of the second week in January. at 7-8weeks gestation I should have been 10-13. It is 2:20 am Feb 8th now.

I talked to him and my body the night before the ultrasound that it was ok to go, and things picked up cramping and spotting.



But seeing the ultrasound, I so wanted to protect him from his fate. they could have been wrong they could have just missed the heartbeat, I was full on begging for it to not be true in my mind, even though I knew, I had trouble letting go. I knew in my heart when I could let go my body would relax enough to pass the baby naturally. I was tied in knots by saturday mostly in my hips and pelvic bone, exactly where I needed to relax.

I gave up trusting my body and even stopped taking the herbs to stimulate the uterus for a few days, I got lost in my mind. Talking with some wonderful but equally unfortunate mama's who have lost babies and at least one who was waiting it out with me. One in particular helped me so much Thank you S! As well as how wonderful as everyone has been save a few but not till the end of my journey.

So I booked a Acupuncture appointment and it wasn't until Tues. yesterday now. Sunday I went for the most painful ever shiatsu massage, my pelvic bone was all in knots. that night i started up the herbs again. Monday I got an intake for Chiro. I cried during the Xrays seeing babies and big baby bellies were fine but X-rays I couldn't do, i still had the urge to protect the lifeless baby in me.


I was lucky there were lots of cancelations at the ND.But my regular one went on mat leave a week and a half prior!  she gave me herbs to calm me and tone my uterus and some magnesium. I added extra. to get my bowels moving as i get so backed up. I noticed that night i got more pressure. and i was so much more calm. I talked to the baby and my body to let go, I sang "the power of Goodbye"


I was supposed to return to chiro for my first treatment tuesday but a week from confirming what I already knew and refused to believe. When I finally was able to say goodbye after much soul searching and using DBT skills.

I rushed to my daughters developmental assessment. As i walked in the building cramps started around 1:15, I was in the room laboring while they did my DD's assessment, I was still in the moment off and on with the kids but also focusing on letting go. the back pressure points were the best pain relief, it actually made the pain disappear. I walked i paced I squatted, it was labor, I thought it would get worse and last longer. when it got intense I texted my husband and in the next wave I gave birth to a tiny sac the size of a kumquat with a tiny little perfect baby the size of an almond. In the room of my daughters assessment, and no one knew. I told one of the ladies before hand that I was miscarrying and were waiting it out. they were surprised. as was I. The assessment was an hour.

We hung around the office for hubs to get us in case there was too much bleeding and needed to go to the er.

Then at the end of the session when I gave birth to my little one I excused myself to the bathroom to make sure everything was ok and it all passed and if the bleeding was ok. It was minimal. and now is still only spotting.

That entire week I waited to say goodbye there wasn't much at all to the point I thought it would be another week or more. I was ready my body was ready and the baby was too. It was time. He was set free.



I was so relieved the weight of the world lifted in that moment with a squish. And I cried.

I waited for hubs, he came got me, dropped me off for dinner while he shopped for things we needed so I didn't have to walk much to take it easy.

Went home nursed my toddler, and went to my first Accuncture apt.

Rest in Peace Tyler Angel G. 2:14pm Feb7th.

there are no words.

I struggled with the thought of even telling my mom I was pregnant. As I never get the support I need from her especially when I am having babies. I suspect she is triggered by it. But that is beside the point because she is not honest with me, and she starts acting funny and projects it onto me. Her words will say I will be there for you and I want to be there for you no matter what, but in an off putting passive agressive way. It has plausible deniability because it is as I have said a few times "weirdness wrapped in the promise of a hug"



I told my mom last night when I couldn't sleep, and received a reply today. Asking me if "they are going to clean (me) out" and I got a bit self conscious emailing her so I gave her the perfect opritunity to change the focas of our conversation. I said "Everyone I have told has been wonderful and not
one person dismissed my feelings and tried to focus on good things in
my life thank god cus that just makes it hurt more.

Well scratch that Tom inadvertently did that today but I know it's not
coming from anywhere but love, it still stings."

Tom is my brother, and his first reaction was to ask if he could come visit, not weather or not they wee going to scrape my baby out of my insides. She indicated maybe he was excited for his news which he just got a job, GO TOM! I told her point blank no he isn't a narcissist he doesn't make things about him, and we worked it out like we have learned to do.

Her next email was about how awful her week was. I haven't replied. I have long known the apple didn't fall far from the tree. She doesn't see it but she sees her family in me. It is there but I work damn hard to have it be less of who I am. but that sliver she latches onto and thats all she can see at times and we but heads. We both have been through more than anyone should have to suffer through.

I am sad I don't have a relationship the kind I wanted and needed my whole life with her, but today, today I think I lost all hope of getting what I need from her. I can't ask of her what she doesn't have in her to give.

I mourned the loss of my hopes of haveing the mom I dreamed of. I vented, I think I truly let go.



Her last email was at 7:14 am labor got going almost 6  hours later to the minute.

To understand the significance of this, with my second daughter because I really wanted her there she had medical tests she was waiting for, but felt like she strung me along, and wouldn't work with me to find a solution that worked for us both. I get It was a biopsy and was important, I could not help but think why not just say not these two weeks I was willing to compromise and told her such, I got the impression she felt trapped by the plane tickets i bought for her



and I was scared, I went into labor, in Walmart. I sat down and told my body to stop because I wanted my mom there I wanted to bond with her and my new little one, I wanted to share an intimate moment in my life with her. And instead I sat and told my body to stop and even the Braxton hicks stopped for two weeks. There was nothing until the day I was pushed by the ob to get induced. I started contracting before the induction I should have gone home.

I truly felt I wasn't there for the baby I could not protect him. In both situations holding on wasn't changing anything. it was time to let go, of my visions of how things should be and radically accept how things really were.

I have a hard time with trust, and the biggest thing holding me back was me having faith in myself and my body.

Feb 7 2012, miscarriage and life lessons.

One of my first thoughts when we confirmed my fears my sweet little Tyler had passed in utero was "what is this struggle going to teach me this time? What do I have to learn?"



So far I've learned I have so much control over my body, a lot of it is emotional, I knew that but I didn't believe it yet. my fears held me back.

I have spent my life reconciling what i know IS true and what I BELIEVE to be true. My beliefs leave me tortured, I ruminate and I get lost in my black and white thinking.

I have learned to instantly fall in love and bond.

I have learned to let go. It was so much more than letting go of my little one. I learned my mom doesn't have it in her to be the mom I need. But that is another post entirely.

I learned my body can go in labor on its own when it is ready.

I learned I wont be one of those moms who don't even know they were in labor.

I learned I could bond and fall in love fast if I reduced stressors in pregnancy like all the tests.

I have learned I really am strong.

I have learned to be vulnerable.

I am learnING to ask for help when i need it. but not consistently.

I have learned I need more help than I will ever ask for from others.

I have learned to face (some of) my fears.

I have learned to trust my body.

I am learnING to open up more to my husband.

Fri Feb 3rd Pregnancy loss and taboo

When a friend (my cousins wife) went through pregnancy loss a while ago she didn't get much support. Her feelings were dismissed. she left the whole situation even more hurt defeated and. Disrespected. I was one of a handful of people who didn't tell her how to feel or to simply get over it cus it wasn't a baby she got to hold. My heart broke for her twice.

My view of the world coming out of it was tainted and thought about how cold and uncaring the world was. I get now it's taboo. And sometimes people who are thrust upon you in life tell you what they heard or heard others say to people in that situation. And even worse some make it about them. Just think a moment if someone you loved passed and everyone told you to get over it and not be sad. Or ignoring it and telling the mom how awful their week was. Most people aren't aware how narcissistic that is, telling a grieving mom how they should feel! Many of those people are on my list too. And previous to now I used to befriend people like that who were only there for me when it suited them and for a long time that suited me just fine. It was what I was used to growing up, it was my normal.

So I found out around Christmas I was pregnant! I was so excited, I had the best health emotionally and physically going into it, this time I was going to rock it! And leave behind my fears well actually face them. I had mixed feelings about the timing but I was so happy!

Then as things progressed my symptoms didn't, I began not to feel as pregnant. I would tell myself I was just lucky and all the indications something wasn't right could be explained as normal or common things. I began feeling like my period was coming for weeks then it got worse and started spotting. It all didn't feel right so we only told a few people we were expecting.


I think I knew right away but only last fri was there enough reason to investigate further. My hcg was 5-7 weeks I should have been 10-13 weeks. It went down 48 hours later. We booked an ultrasound the next day. Baby measured 7-8 weeks no heart beat but I knew going in. They made me go pee to see if they could get it trams vaginally. Going pee I started accepting it and not fighting to hold on. And things picked up. I knew they wouldn't find it. But needed to see for myself. This was wed. It's now fri.

I only criptically announced my grief to weed out unsupportive people. If anyone asked I would message them and tell them as openly as I could that I was grieving the loss of the baby and sometimes some detail. It's getting easier already, mostly due to being so impressed with every single person I talked to about it they all have been so amazing. I cry thinking about how loved I and my family are.

I cry equally as hard or harder thinking the words or seeing "angel baby" it makes it so much more real, it's happening and only I can get myself through my raw emotions to begun accepting it.

We decided to let things progress naturally as its less risky and more of a chance of emotional healing sooner if I face it head on. It's not really much more than a period that won't get going so far. There is risk of infection the longer it takes but that risk is lower than the lasting issues a dnc can cause. And induction is painful, it often brings on pain almost like labor even this early. When I weep I can feel my muscles tighten and try to hold on the grief overwhelms me. I need to accept this so my body will let go.

I tell my angel it's time to go that he is loved and I am sorry we won't get to see him grow up and get to know him. Losing a pregnancy is so much more than losing a child it's losing the hope and the expectation of a child. at least if I was further there would be a funeral and there would be something tangible to grieve.


Goodbye my angel baby mommy loves you.



If thank you for reading, if you're local drag me outside, bring dinner, fold laundry or just be there.

If you're not local, a phone call, an email prayers thoughts love and respect of the process, Is more than enough. And very much appreciated and wanted.

And everyone if I am closing off get me talking about it, the baby may have been a little peanut but it is the elephant in the room.