Changes!

Warning this may be TMI for some.

Well we filed our taxes... 4 years worth, big return. Dave has interviewed for a new job and once everything is signed he will be starting in the near future, with a pretty decent pay bump.

H is doing well in preschool doing so much motor development and is getting discharged from speech therapy!

Addy is growing up too fast when asked she says she is three and she just turned two end of march ;)

and I found out i was pregnant on Thursday! I had a cyst pop early this month on day 12 of my cycle. i thought it was possibly ovulation bleeding or even like previous pregnancies implantation (both tyler whom I lost and addy were conceived the day after my period ended.)

so I bought early test strips from http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/extra-sensitive-pregnancy-test.html it took 10-12 days to come so i thought for sure it would be turning positive soon as i had symptoms. i knew it could be because i wanted it so badly so while disappointed I was ok with it. It became clear that my body was trying to ovulate for over two weeks starting with that cyst rupturing at day12.

my cycle before I was pregnant with Tyler was 30 days long, and I have only had one good one since his loss and it was 6 weeks from the horrible ones that were one week after each-other. so on day 29 after over a week of testing and no + i was pretty sure i wasn't since these tests are so sensitive. Day 30 it was negative at 3 min went away came back a few hours later and there was a line (none had done that before) but i know there is a chance of evap lines. thought nothing of it was going to test the next day, but my cervical mucus changed. it was really really thick. !!!! so i tested that night and it showed up VERY faint at 2-3 min... Hubs like last time tried to say it wasn't a positive and i just wanted it to be positive. yadda yadda. He just dosen't believe it until they are solid lines. that photograph better than this:

 I am at most 3-3.5 weeks pregnant based on the HCG level that these test positive at. so no guarantee it will be a sticky babe but I hope so. Ive even gone to acupuncture lots of chiro and started Craniosacral therapy in hopes to balance my body so it can carry a baby better, along with takeing COQ10 and I may start baby aspirin, and will get active folate.








Oh and the last class of drivers Ed was today... when I was in it last time before we moved to bc i found out I was pregnant with Hayls lol

I havnt written for a while.

things are looking up. I Started incorporating some things from the Gaps diet. I stopped fainting I have less cravings, I have the energy I had just before I got sick from going grain free and even more sick while pregnant and even weaker when I lost the baby. I was a ghost at 1/4 speed. But i still muddled through as best I could. I felt ok, but I am sure I numbed myself. I often do along with distracting myself with each new challenge it takes over in intensity and leaves nothing to overcome old obstacles I Mindfully have to find my way back to heal, daily. it has been 12 weeks and yet it feels like I blinked. I am extra emotional as my period came back, just one more thing to make it real. And more hormones welled up inside pushing all the feelings to the surface. Mother nature has a plan, of renewal. once a month when we are forced to feel and release the tensions we hold in. You would not know it from the outside, no one ever does as I have learned to hide it, I am incredibly anxious. It's not a state of mind but of being my body is sensitive and as the Dr puts it has no breaks its stuck on go. over the years I have learned to mimic calmness. But I am starting to actually feel it, by embracing myself and the impact I have around me. Good and Bad. And even sorting through my perceptions and trying to find the medium ground. The gaps diet is helping so much, its keeping me from fainting, it gave me my color back, it slowed down my heart rate so I am not a ball of nerves. But today as I find reason to use the diva cup I bought and was delivered to me a week after I found out I was pregnant, That fact has me in tears. It makes me sad. I miss my baby Tyler. Today I cry for you like I haven't in maybe months now. time and life moved on But you are still loved and not forgotten.

Funky Little EarthChild: Right to Write

since an incidence with something similar ive been struggling to find the words to write this, just this. she says it so well.

Funky Little EarthChild: Right to Write

tips for letting go and moving on (in any situation you're depressed about and holding onto)

‎7 Tips to Surviving Tough Times


1. Stop The Victim Mentality

It’s really a waste of time, thinking “why me”. I’ve wasted enough brain bytes, going over this question like a mantra and yet, this questioning has not helped me one bit. So my first suggestion is to stop the victim mentality.



When you ask yourself “why me”, you are intending to say that you do not deserve what life has handed out to you. However, from what we know from the Law of Attraction or metaphysics, you cannot be a true victim because you have attracted a negative outcome into your physical reality somehow.

Fortunately, thoughts can be changed, to effect new changes. As you become more positive in your thoughts, you are sending out energy vibrations that match more desirable outcomes. The Universe responds by delivering what you have intended to you.

“Humans think they are asking with their words, or even with their action, and sometimes you are, but the Universe is not responding to your words or your action. The Universe is responding to your vibrational calling.”— Teachings from Abraham by Esther and Jerry Hicks

2. Trash The Worry

Worrying does not get you anywhere. I know it is easier said than done. It is human nature to worry. But the more you train your mind to be in a state of peace and calm, the less likely it will bring itself on a downward spiral.

Here is an exercise that you can do. Imagine in your mind the worries that you are having, each written on a seperate piece of paper. Then, visualize rolling the piece of paper and trashing them one-by-one.

Contemplate on this practical advice……

“A difficult situation can be handled in two ways: We can either do something to change it or face it. If we can do something, then why worry and get upset over it – just change it. If there is nothing we can do, again, why worry and get upset over it? Things will not get better with anger and worry.” —- Shantideva

3. Conquer The Fear

Undoubtedly you will need to have courage when you are faced with fear. Fear grips you when you are thrust into the unknown. You lose all sense of security when things are in the rough and you are not sure in which way, the future will unfold. In your moment of desperation, you are willing to grasp at the weakest straw even though it feels as if you are already drowning.

Yet, if you stop struggling and calm down, the answer on how to stay afloat may just appear before you. It is harder for such an answer to come, if your mind is on “how not to drown” rather than “how do I survive”.

You conquer the fear by framing your mind in the positive. Let go of the fear and tell yourself “I can and I shall”.

4. Perceive Problems Appropriately

It is possible that you magnify your problems from what they truly are. When you lose someone, you feel that you can never be happy again. When you feel that your work goes unrecognised, life sucks. When you face bankruptcy, you think that you can never pick yourself up again. And you choose to carry all that hurt, pain or emotional baggage around.
It will help to remind yourself that nothing is permanent. All things will one day come to an end. Including bad episodes. However, the longer you stay stuck in your level of pain, the worse it can be for you. Just remember about what the Law of Attraction says.

It’s all in the mind. How you face up to your problems makes a world of difference. It may also be that you are always pointing your finger outwards rather than at yourself.

“It’s always someone else’s fault!” you say.

Really?

It is important to know that you have as much to play in how things are turning out. Your consciousness is likely to have attracted a negative outcome because you’ve been exuding negative energy all along.

5. Ask Yourself If A Major Life Lesson Awaits

We all know that life is a continuous journey of ups and downs. Unfortunately, things can get a lot worse before they get better.

It is possible that from all the pain that you are going through now, a lesson about life awaits. Allow me to let you in on my secret from going through so many dramatic episodes previously: if I failed to learn my lesson the last time around; by life’s design, I find that I’m made to go through over and over again. Until I saw the light.

If you examine your history, you cannot help but repeat it! Law of Attraction says it is so: “Whatever I am looking at, I am including in my vibration.” — Teachings from Abraham by Esther and Jerry Hicks

So instead of “why me”, perhaps you should be asking yourself if there is some key lesson that you have missed out on and are expected to learn.

6. Practice Faith

It may be hard to have faith that you can overcome your problems, whilst you are in the thick of it. Yet, do be reminded that we all go through valleys and peaks in our lives. Think back about the last time when you went through a rough period. Did you not waste much time and mental energy brooding over your problems? With the elapse of time, you may even forget why you got so wound up in the first place.

Ask the Universe on a better state of affairs to what you are experiencing now. If you are on a journey because you are being fuelled by a vision, have faith that what you aspire to bring about will come true. Some visualization will help. Constantly, keep the big picture in your mind.

As each difficulty comes along, deal with it. Trust that with each surely step you take, a dim of light – in the darkest and deepest shadows of the forest – will shine through, casting itself on your path. That dim of light soon grows in strength, giving way to a strong burst of warm loving sunshine.

“Faith is like electricity. You can’t see it, but you can see the light.” — Unknown

7. Brave On With A Smile

Perhaps this is the most difficult of all. Yet, we often read of accounts of how successful people have triumphed over their failures, not just through sheer grit but also demonstrated a surprising amount of goodwill and light, even during the worst of times.

When you are going through difficulties, it is easy to put on a sulky face and to show it to the world. Perhaps what would help is to remind yourself that you are not the only one with problems. Remember this saying “I complained that I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.”

When you can set aside your ego and remove yourself from making much ado about your problems, then it is possible to even rejoice in the little comfort that you still have in your life.

Is thankful for writeing. march 10 2012

I wrote about how i reacted to a situation that happened on facbook after I had a miscarriage last month, I left the detail out as they are not important, I was reflecting on how I reacted to that and other tough things in my life. And how I use distractions during hard times in my life to not deal with my grief.

I am so grateful I wrote it out. It released some anger i was feeling, mostly at myself for allowing myself to be distracted from the task at hand. And for beating myself up about it and everything else Ive ever done wrong in my life all at the same time. Again for those who don't know me I am a sensitive soul and all past trauma comes back to haunt me often with each new struggle, it is a lot of work to get in front of it. This time was not as bad as any time it has happened before I wasn't tormented by it, but i was detached, I was dissociating, I wasn't feeling. It was a stark contrast from just the day before where I wore my heart on my sleeve. I knew something was up but could not put my finger on it as I felt "ok"

I am grateful for Dialectical behavior therapy the skills are mostly what kept me from letting my thoughts take me for a ride.

I gave birth to an 8 week fetus but I was almost 12 weeks pregnant maybe even more I am pretty sure I was 4 weeks pregnant alot sooner than when the test finial said pregnant I likely was 7 weeks by the time i found out but it only tested positive that week, and if the baby grew at a regular rate, which I dont know if he did I was only carrying him for a week of knowing he for sure was real and the day he passed... I was more pregnant than the size of the baby, And I loved the baby for each day it existed... even before the test tested positive.

All that energy I used to not get taken down by my thoughts kept me from healing in that time. I noticed my thoughts and my feelings, I wrote it out and the next day I was able to cry again to grieve the loss of the baby.

For those who read this blog for whatever motive, support, curiosity, to get fodder etc, most people who know me don't know How much I believe in fighting for social causes. This cause was in my heart long before this miscarriage. And it is not just about miscarriage, how we view it in society says alot about the society as a whole, and it shows us where our system is failing. It is more than the babies and it is more than just our own experiences in a tough situation, it is about birthing autoimmunity, continuity of care, it is about postpartum mental health, and that you cannot separate the issues as they are parts of the whole. no matter when you give "birth" to your baby all the same rights and levels of care should be provided. We all are parts of the puzzle how we treat each other as women in similar situations says a lot about how we treat ourselves, and it says so much about our society.

and maybe if the messages we receive about this can be changed I hope one day, we all can be kinder to ourselves and each other.

And as I write this It is giving me ideas on what to write in my letter to the health minister about the lack of support/ care / information in this Provence for greiveing parents. Someone needs to have all the answers in all the same place. When I went to look each person told me to ask someone else. It was frustrating and that too kept me from healing, and moving on. The system failed.

It's been one month

And things are getting back to normal. But I don't feel the same drive in things that interest me. Though I have regained old ones.

My sensitive nature has been shook. It wasn't the miscarriage. It was something else entirely, that came out of it. because I dared to face it head on. Unlike any time Ive been faced with grieving before.

I shut down when my brother disappeared and was later found dead. But rather than focus on me and how i was coping I was petrified to lose anyone else that I tried to save my family. And it slowly killed my spirit. And it triggered my over active nervous system, i became anxious and depressed, I took the meds to make me better, but instead of better they made me manic. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2. and later with Bipolar 3 (medication triggered bipolar) I am so much better without them.

when my aunt passed I didnt go to her funeral because I said goodbye in the hospital, but not six months later I had to remind myself she had passed over and over.

My dad I mourned six ways from Tuesday, before he even died. He was a shell of himself most of the time I was alive. Since his dad passed away before i was even a glimmer in anyone's eye. he would be ok for a bit then regress into anger and lashing out.

He only got how he treated us when he lived with a woman who was very similar to him. But he gave up on life and killed himself with food. (heart attack and diabetes)

I watched my parents during the loss of my brother.

I watched my brother when he lost his best friend to cancer at age 7, I watched his parents deal with the loss, and then not a year later I watched them again when their younger son died. I watched when my 7 year old cousin died in his sleep and saw how my uncle handled the loss. He was lost in grief. And it took him a long time to begin come to terms.

With my sensitive nature I feel the feelings or the energy in the room. I feel all of it magnified, I take it on. even if its not mine to take.

I will feel the anger, I will feel the fear, I will feel the sadness, I will feel the love, the excitement. Often I don't know what to do with all the extra information. I have to notice the thoughts and the feelings and accept that they are there. I have to work hard to see if it was my own feeling or a stolen one. This is why I am so against projecting feelings onto others. you never know who in the room is emotionally sympathetic and will take on all that you have to give, and it will get you no closer to healing. all it will do is make someone almost as miserable as you feel.

I am facing it head on but I fear the situation that came of it has derailed the healing and I am now focassing on that more than on anything else, much like when I had PPD/PTSD after the birth of my first. and I lost friends due to it, because I was just being me. I am "a person like that" whatever that sweeping blanket statement really means. It's more saying you're not like me I don't understand you and I won't try. With the ppd I didn't attach to my first child until she was close to two, she was also delayed and still is. I still mourn the loss of a healthy child, I mourn the loss of a healthy birth experience, I mourn the loss of a healthy pregnancy. I mourn the loss of the child I had envisioned, but she was still here. I would forget I had a child unless she was with me at all times.

I stayed with the friend who told me i was just being me and i was a "person like that" there was a lot of yelling in the home, and it triggered me and brought me back to my childhood, the yelling the I am not good enough, I will always be like that messages I got from my parents. They told their son very similar things. I got lost in that world of fear and self loathing. It was my experience I tried to explain but could not bring myself to say to a military wife that I was having flashbacks and i wasn't judging her. I wasn't in her home I was in my childhood home being emotionally abused by a figment that wasn't there. It didn't help her home looked much like a family friends house growing up. that week changed my ptsd flashbacks went from that of the birth and almost losing my life and my baby's life to my childhood and losing a friend I desperately wanted to get closer to. I beat myself up for not speaking up and trusting myself enough to say it right. So I decided I would rather be hated and dropped than make things worse. I lost my friend who I expected support from. I tortured myself thinking I could have said what I was actually going through rather than accept I was in fact "a person like that" so that's what i was. I was "like that"

I am passionate about people and causes, I tend to be idealistic and I tend to bring myself through the ringer any chance I get. I judge me. and often in conversing the judgment shows and I am my worst critic. I do my best to not judge others and if i do I reflect on where that is coming from and often its because I judge me (and my parents). I have impossibly high standards on myself. I cannot live up to them and don't expect it of others. It would be a fools errand.

things are getting back to normal. but I lost a piece of myself even after I found how strong I was, one interaction shook me down. Sometimes its better to be flexible like bamboo than as strong as oak. I long for the middle ground.

ME! me me me!

there I said it.

This is my blog, essentially I am shearing my diary with you, these are the thoughts I think about but don't share, that I use to torture myself with, I need to write it down and share or those words take on a life of their own.

Negative and even positive judgements are welcome here I do not censor, as each person here was curious enough to drop by, and read, weather it be to tell me how horrible I must be or the ever less comfortable complimenting. I am by no means used to having support, even when I had it growing up, I could not ACCEPT IT for what it was. The negative messages won time and time again. I did little right from the things I heard. and even when I did right the compliments often had modifiers which made it less of a compliment and more of a back handed comment. Which would leave me confused and full of mixed emotions before I just disregarded the whole exchange but holding onto the negative part of it.

Earlier this week there was an exchange on something I was passionate about. I could go on and on about the catylist but that is not the point and very obvious if you go to the beginning of feb of this year on my blog. Taboo, in all its forms is a human rights issue. no matter what topic it's applied to. Taboo instills censorship. And shame on those who insist on maintaining the taboo.

Merely existing when people hate you is enough to think the worst in you. no matter what reality actually was. I've heard time and time again, there is THREE versions of reality, my version your version, and what actually happened.

like Adam says though " i reject your reality and substitute my own!"

I have more to say but need to reflect more and find words and get out of my dissociative funk.

righteous indignation vs anger?

been thinking about this alot lately so thought I would write it down here for further reflection.

"All anger is by no means sinful; it was designed by the Author of our nature for self-defense; nor is it altogether a selfish passion, since it is excited by injuries offered to others as well as ourselves, and sometimes prompts us to reclaim offenders from sin and danger, but it becomes sinful when conceived upon trivial occasions or inadequate provocations; when it breaks forth into outrageous actions; vents itself in reviling language, or is concealed in our thoughts to the degree of hatred" (Buck's Theological Dictionary).

I don't know how i feel about that definition truthfully, I am not religious. I do however know Anger is often a veil for another emotion I am not dealing with.

this seems like a more agreeable definition to me as its non secular and to the point:

Main Entry: righteous indignation
Part of Speech: n
Definition: retribution, retributive justice; anger and contempt combined with a feeling that it is one's right to feel that way; anger without guilt.


my question is this though what makes anger justified to you? to me if its a primary emotion rather than being used as a veil that for me is rare, and I know its different for others.

today Feb 19th

its been almost 3 weeks since I learned that my baby died inutero. and almost two since I gave birth.

Some days are better than others, today has sucked. I just feel off. and easily triggered. I feel alone today.

Ijust want to be ok.

I wish i knew all my options when i decided to wait it out, I may have actually gone for the medical approach had I known there was so much misinformation and some with little info at all in regards to options either for testing or for burial in an earlier miscarriage.

It seems at this moment because my baby wasn't ripped out of me medically he wasn't a person and doesnt have rights. It seems like the ony option is to throw my baby out.

I asked the midwife if i should go to the hospital, possibly to get baby tested, she told me there was no point they wouldnt accept it. so i didnt go. but i found out that they would had i gone and not frozen the baby, and even if I had chosen not to go for testing the hospital is needed to release the remains to a funeral home if you want to have a service for your baby. Info, i would have gotten at the hospital had I went. and Info I really believe every care provider needs to be aware of so people can make an informed decision an what to do with their precious little ones if they miscarry. Many Hospitals have a grief/loss office and they would have had the info.

This is not something that should be found out in bits and pieces on your own. For me it's dragging out healing.


Maybe I just had too much of an idealistic view of what midwives do. To me a midwife is there someone you build a relationship with and can call to help you through or at least helps you find these services post. I have my family Dr who though i see weekly for b12 shots I don't connect with and if he disagrees with you he often disregards what you are saying entirely. Having ongoing frequent care doesn't equal having good care. It is the best I have had in this Provence though.

So here i am waiting for counseling services to start, my midwife has directed me back to my family dr for care in the mean time and really he isn't good enough. I went to midwives because I wanted more than what a dr could give me. And I think It is a bit sad that even my bully of a ob for my last pregnancy would have followed up on my mental health that day the next day the next week.

Why when I think midwives to I think a Hippy community where they will bring you a casserole to make sure you're eating more than the 5L of ice cream you just ate?

I expected more, I expected information, so i could make an informed choice, all my decisions this last three weeks have been fear and grief based. I am scared and I am lonely. And I just want to stop crying when I am crying and I wonder why the hell I am not when I don't.

I need a nap and for someone to make me dinner before I end up letting all my food spoil....

Sat Feb 11th- Today, releif.

Today, today is a new day. It hurts a little less, but I still am raw. I still easily shed tears. There is still someone missing in my heart, as there always will be from the day we found out the baby died. It wasn't even two weeks ago, that we found out and was less than a week since I gave birth.


But today, though I was petrified yesterday I would have to go in for a DnC because I am just so paranoid that there was tissue left, due to clots yesterday, the bleeding has almost stopped. My mood is better. 


I talked with the midwife, we have a plan. I will be referred to the recurrent pregnancy loss clinic. We will try and get the remains tested, no garuntees though.


I joined a bereavement group that met the day after I miscarried.


There is a memorial service for infant child and pregnancy loss at a church a couple towns away next saturday.


I SLEPT!!! I got some valerian root as nothing else I have was working. often 20mg of melitonin wasn't enough. I was getting 2-4 hours a night.


I even got a nap today.


one thing that does suck is that with my second child we got an ultrasound at almost exactly the same gestation as this baby should have been. And hormones suck i'ts the same damn ones you get full term but you dont get to bring a baby home that sucks the most.its easier to deal with them when there is a purpose.

The miscarriage.

We found out Jan 31st our little one died in utero weeks prior by blood test. Confirmed the next day by ultrasound. He Passed the end of the first week or beginning of the second week in January. at 7-8weeks gestation I should have been 10-13. It is 2:20 am Feb 8th now.

I talked to him and my body the night before the ultrasound that it was ok to go, and things picked up cramping and spotting.



But seeing the ultrasound, I so wanted to protect him from his fate. they could have been wrong they could have just missed the heartbeat, I was full on begging for it to not be true in my mind, even though I knew, I had trouble letting go. I knew in my heart when I could let go my body would relax enough to pass the baby naturally. I was tied in knots by saturday mostly in my hips and pelvic bone, exactly where I needed to relax.

I gave up trusting my body and even stopped taking the herbs to stimulate the uterus for a few days, I got lost in my mind. Talking with some wonderful but equally unfortunate mama's who have lost babies and at least one who was waiting it out with me. One in particular helped me so much Thank you S! As well as how wonderful as everyone has been save a few but not till the end of my journey.

So I booked a Acupuncture appointment and it wasn't until Tues. yesterday now. Sunday I went for the most painful ever shiatsu massage, my pelvic bone was all in knots. that night i started up the herbs again. Monday I got an intake for Chiro. I cried during the Xrays seeing babies and big baby bellies were fine but X-rays I couldn't do, i still had the urge to protect the lifeless baby in me.


I was lucky there were lots of cancelations at the ND.But my regular one went on mat leave a week and a half prior!  she gave me herbs to calm me and tone my uterus and some magnesium. I added extra. to get my bowels moving as i get so backed up. I noticed that night i got more pressure. and i was so much more calm. I talked to the baby and my body to let go, I sang "the power of Goodbye"


I was supposed to return to chiro for my first treatment tuesday but a week from confirming what I already knew and refused to believe. When I finally was able to say goodbye after much soul searching and using DBT skills.

I rushed to my daughters developmental assessment. As i walked in the building cramps started around 1:15, I was in the room laboring while they did my DD's assessment, I was still in the moment off and on with the kids but also focusing on letting go. the back pressure points were the best pain relief, it actually made the pain disappear. I walked i paced I squatted, it was labor, I thought it would get worse and last longer. when it got intense I texted my husband and in the next wave I gave birth to a tiny sac the size of a kumquat with a tiny little perfect baby the size of an almond. In the room of my daughters assessment, and no one knew. I told one of the ladies before hand that I was miscarrying and were waiting it out. they were surprised. as was I. The assessment was an hour.

We hung around the office for hubs to get us in case there was too much bleeding and needed to go to the er.

Then at the end of the session when I gave birth to my little one I excused myself to the bathroom to make sure everything was ok and it all passed and if the bleeding was ok. It was minimal. and now is still only spotting.

That entire week I waited to say goodbye there wasn't much at all to the point I thought it would be another week or more. I was ready my body was ready and the baby was too. It was time. He was set free.



I was so relieved the weight of the world lifted in that moment with a squish. And I cried.

I waited for hubs, he came got me, dropped me off for dinner while he shopped for things we needed so I didn't have to walk much to take it easy.

Went home nursed my toddler, and went to my first Accuncture apt.

Rest in Peace Tyler Angel G. 2:14pm Feb7th.

there are no words.

I struggled with the thought of even telling my mom I was pregnant. As I never get the support I need from her especially when I am having babies. I suspect she is triggered by it. But that is beside the point because she is not honest with me, and she starts acting funny and projects it onto me. Her words will say I will be there for you and I want to be there for you no matter what, but in an off putting passive agressive way. It has plausible deniability because it is as I have said a few times "weirdness wrapped in the promise of a hug"



I told my mom last night when I couldn't sleep, and received a reply today. Asking me if "they are going to clean (me) out" and I got a bit self conscious emailing her so I gave her the perfect opritunity to change the focas of our conversation. I said "Everyone I have told has been wonderful and not
one person dismissed my feelings and tried to focus on good things in
my life thank god cus that just makes it hurt more.

Well scratch that Tom inadvertently did that today but I know it's not
coming from anywhere but love, it still stings."

Tom is my brother, and his first reaction was to ask if he could come visit, not weather or not they wee going to scrape my baby out of my insides. She indicated maybe he was excited for his news which he just got a job, GO TOM! I told her point blank no he isn't a narcissist he doesn't make things about him, and we worked it out like we have learned to do.

Her next email was about how awful her week was. I haven't replied. I have long known the apple didn't fall far from the tree. She doesn't see it but she sees her family in me. It is there but I work damn hard to have it be less of who I am. but that sliver she latches onto and thats all she can see at times and we but heads. We both have been through more than anyone should have to suffer through.

I am sad I don't have a relationship the kind I wanted and needed my whole life with her, but today, today I think I lost all hope of getting what I need from her. I can't ask of her what she doesn't have in her to give.

I mourned the loss of my hopes of haveing the mom I dreamed of. I vented, I think I truly let go.



Her last email was at 7:14 am labor got going almost 6  hours later to the minute.

To understand the significance of this, with my second daughter because I really wanted her there she had medical tests she was waiting for, but felt like she strung me along, and wouldn't work with me to find a solution that worked for us both. I get It was a biopsy and was important, I could not help but think why not just say not these two weeks I was willing to compromise and told her such, I got the impression she felt trapped by the plane tickets i bought for her



and I was scared, I went into labor, in Walmart. I sat down and told my body to stop because I wanted my mom there I wanted to bond with her and my new little one, I wanted to share an intimate moment in my life with her. And instead I sat and told my body to stop and even the Braxton hicks stopped for two weeks. There was nothing until the day I was pushed by the ob to get induced. I started contracting before the induction I should have gone home.

I truly felt I wasn't there for the baby I could not protect him. In both situations holding on wasn't changing anything. it was time to let go, of my visions of how things should be and radically accept how things really were.

I have a hard time with trust, and the biggest thing holding me back was me having faith in myself and my body.

Feb 7 2012, miscarriage and life lessons.

One of my first thoughts when we confirmed my fears my sweet little Tyler had passed in utero was "what is this struggle going to teach me this time? What do I have to learn?"



So far I've learned I have so much control over my body, a lot of it is emotional, I knew that but I didn't believe it yet. my fears held me back.

I have spent my life reconciling what i know IS true and what I BELIEVE to be true. My beliefs leave me tortured, I ruminate and I get lost in my black and white thinking.

I have learned to instantly fall in love and bond.

I have learned to let go. It was so much more than letting go of my little one. I learned my mom doesn't have it in her to be the mom I need. But that is another post entirely.

I learned my body can go in labor on its own when it is ready.

I learned I wont be one of those moms who don't even know they were in labor.

I learned I could bond and fall in love fast if I reduced stressors in pregnancy like all the tests.

I have learned I really am strong.

I have learned to be vulnerable.

I am learnING to ask for help when i need it. but not consistently.

I have learned I need more help than I will ever ask for from others.

I have learned to face (some of) my fears.

I have learned to trust my body.

I am learnING to open up more to my husband.

Fri Feb 3rd Pregnancy loss and taboo

When a friend (my cousins wife) went through pregnancy loss a while ago she didn't get much support. Her feelings were dismissed. she left the whole situation even more hurt defeated and. Disrespected. I was one of a handful of people who didn't tell her how to feel or to simply get over it cus it wasn't a baby she got to hold. My heart broke for her twice.

My view of the world coming out of it was tainted and thought about how cold and uncaring the world was. I get now it's taboo. And sometimes people who are thrust upon you in life tell you what they heard or heard others say to people in that situation. And even worse some make it about them. Just think a moment if someone you loved passed and everyone told you to get over it and not be sad. Or ignoring it and telling the mom how awful their week was. Most people aren't aware how narcissistic that is, telling a grieving mom how they should feel! Many of those people are on my list too. And previous to now I used to befriend people like that who were only there for me when it suited them and for a long time that suited me just fine. It was what I was used to growing up, it was my normal.

So I found out around Christmas I was pregnant! I was so excited, I had the best health emotionally and physically going into it, this time I was going to rock it! And leave behind my fears well actually face them. I had mixed feelings about the timing but I was so happy!

Then as things progressed my symptoms didn't, I began not to feel as pregnant. I would tell myself I was just lucky and all the indications something wasn't right could be explained as normal or common things. I began feeling like my period was coming for weeks then it got worse and started spotting. It all didn't feel right so we only told a few people we were expecting.


I think I knew right away but only last fri was there enough reason to investigate further. My hcg was 5-7 weeks I should have been 10-13 weeks. It went down 48 hours later. We booked an ultrasound the next day. Baby measured 7-8 weeks no heart beat but I knew going in. They made me go pee to see if they could get it trams vaginally. Going pee I started accepting it and not fighting to hold on. And things picked up. I knew they wouldn't find it. But needed to see for myself. This was wed. It's now fri.

I only criptically announced my grief to weed out unsupportive people. If anyone asked I would message them and tell them as openly as I could that I was grieving the loss of the baby and sometimes some detail. It's getting easier already, mostly due to being so impressed with every single person I talked to about it they all have been so amazing. I cry thinking about how loved I and my family are.

I cry equally as hard or harder thinking the words or seeing "angel baby" it makes it so much more real, it's happening and only I can get myself through my raw emotions to begun accepting it.

We decided to let things progress naturally as its less risky and more of a chance of emotional healing sooner if I face it head on. It's not really much more than a period that won't get going so far. There is risk of infection the longer it takes but that risk is lower than the lasting issues a dnc can cause. And induction is painful, it often brings on pain almost like labor even this early. When I weep I can feel my muscles tighten and try to hold on the grief overwhelms me. I need to accept this so my body will let go.

I tell my angel it's time to go that he is loved and I am sorry we won't get to see him grow up and get to know him. Losing a pregnancy is so much more than losing a child it's losing the hope and the expectation of a child. at least if I was further there would be a funeral and there would be something tangible to grieve.


Goodbye my angel baby mommy loves you.



If thank you for reading, if you're local drag me outside, bring dinner, fold laundry or just be there.

If you're not local, a phone call, an email prayers thoughts love and respect of the process, Is more than enough. And very much appreciated and wanted.

And everyone if I am closing off get me talking about it, the baby may have been a little peanut but it is the elephant in the room.