Today

Well last night H had issues with sensory things again, screamed most of the night unless she was being hugged or doing crafty things, the light was too bright everything was too loud....

so she screamed until 2 am,  and we had to be up and out of the house for an appointment for 9. We were late.

I thought maybe she has seasonal affective disorder as this only happens to this extent in the winter. and the one winter it didn't happen was the year I used my light box the most. she would sit with me.

So we had an appointment at 9 so had to get up at 7 to get ready.

waited for the results of one test as the hospital didn't send them.
Addy's iron looks good now Yippy! left at 10:30 the bus didnt see me running had to wait a half hour.... got on bus at 11am

Daycare

then off to daycare got there just at noon... dropped off monkeys... bussed to my Cardio appt bus ticket 20 min expired oops! Thank you to the driver who let me on! got to the dr's at 1....

Cardio


My appointment was at two so I waited 50 min. the apt was thorough! I felt no disrespect from this dr like I have with some! Though he did make me cry! the bastard! ;) He told me to keep doing what i am doing and that i should get into healthcare... ok I interrupted him when it looked like he was going to say i should be a dr (or so I assume.) and said "yes I do want to get into the health and nutrition field" he says "good, you have a well balanced understanding of the human body, It's rare." he went on to tell me I should go start taking classes. LOL o0 I told him when my kids settle down a little.

It is so nice to hear validation, and from a Cardio at that! It brought tears to my eyes!

Nothing wrong so far with the old ticker so far, but he did say my Central nervous system was overactive, it's not a disease but I do have to learn to work with it. He also said to keep doing what i was doing (cardio approval to supplement potassium and magnesium! *giggles like a school girl)

sending out some love for Dr Lalani, <3 If anyone in the lower mainland needs a cardio go see him! He is a GEM.

Bus home. 


Was going to hop the train so I didnt have to pay for a two zone pass, oops! but as I looked up I saw a guy in an outfit similar to transit cops... very much oops... he was faced away so i couldnt see if he had a logo, but he was talking with someone who very much had a transit uniform on, a different one though.

Was going to take the next one, but decided to go pay first after thinking about it....

THE DAMN machine was having issues accepting my debit card, in the mean time a lady came off the train i hoped to catch and placed her transfer on the machine in front of me. Had the machine worked I would have been on the train! but I got a free transfer! (for those of you not familiar with Vancouver transit there is a strict bylaw about sharing transfers and its enforced) It's only a 1 zone and i need a two but its FREE!

Then at my stop I miss the bus, but getting on my next bus after putting the transfer in and it prompts for an upgrade, before even asking me he just cancels it and lets me on! You rock mr 97 bus driver!

Home now, with some much needed downtime kidless! oh so very tired but doubt I could sleep if  I wanted to lol.

Long long day that went so fast oddly.

So how was your day?

part of addison's birth story

The Ob pushed me into getting an ultrasound at 41 weeks rather than seeing me twice a week. her husband did the u/s and even the nurses said he was lieing to me about what he found on the nst and the us. he said babe was in distress. she had regular dcells he said the placenta was calcified it wasnt he said my water was low... my placenta was in frount and the baby did her best to smush up against it no way he could see all the fluid in there...

i knew it was a possibility going in that that would happen but the week prior when booking the said u/s i refused and she went on to tell me the risks of the baby dieing (just being post dates) dispite me telling her I knew then already and for her to save it. she continued and she and her receptionist would not let me leave until i agreed for them to book it...

i didn't go. went in the next day after they phoned me and ended up stressing me out. had hubs come home and was induced that day.

they kept changing the plan and eventually got me hooked up to oxyticin to test my response (i explicitly said no as i had severe ppd and i know that increases the risks of getting it again) they tried to get me to continue as i went form completely closed and no thinning to thinned and 3 cm in an hour, i only said yes to the gel to ripen the cervix not a full induction in the first place, i wasn't clear enough and i told them i over respond as it was and they still tried to give the largest dose to me. they gave me the half dose and still needed up with severe front and back labor one on top of the other.

strapped to the bed every hour for a half hour, then retreating to the bathroom. i was pushing her out and the nurse came in and realized i was "suggested" i go to the bed and i did. I was only in labor a total of 5 hours start to finish.

babe got "stuck" during the first push on the bed and they twisted her neck.

she wasn't out 3 sec and i was starring at babe when they clamped her cord. despite me saying not to. she had issues breathing, took her from me wouldn't let me nurse, kept asking me questions about her care and mine, and after the 5th time saying no to everything they went to my husband.

she wasn't responding so they took her to the nicu. this was my fear why i didn't want to be induced as i knew the risks and what happened to my first (preemie due to pre e)

they wouldn't let me nurse her for over 12 hours or even hold her and she continued to not respond until i was allowed to hold and nurse her.

she is also allergic to dust and they were renovating in the hospital. i could not breath the entire time i was there.

she ended up jumpy from her neck twist, low blood volume and thick blood from the vitamin k shot they pushed me into. (i was supplementing and eating lots of vit k)

she was traumatized and now never wants to be out of my sight even 16 months later. she wouldn't let us touch her nose or her feet for over 6 months. and she was only in the nicu 3 days.

and she was strong and healthy they say... there was no need for her to be in there had they listened to me. or respected me at all.

birth also brings back old trauma and i become like a child again and have trouble sticking up for myself. plus being in baby hormone zone. not a good mix.

Aversion to blogging... and PTSD and nameing Fear

well, I knew i had ptsd when i had H but i really didnt "think" i did. Addison's birth opened up old wounds as did Hayleigh's

I am begingin to heal again, I just am reminded of the process though it was helpful when I had H, It honestly feels like reliveing it all again to put it down in words. It makes it more real, less in my head and less denyable.

I will be signing up for DBT again it was so helpful last time. It seems i dont have much time to be myself before a baby comes in my life and changes things on me.


I got pregnant with H two weeks after my first CBT group therapy. I got pregnant with addison with a month left of my DBT group. and i am severly baby crazy now and could possibly be mildly pregnant as we speak.

I really am not sure how much wanting another child is a desire to do it "right" this time. without the medical pressure to follow standard of care.

I do know growing up I wanted more than two but as a middle child I am deperatly averted to the idea of only three.

I live in fear, fear of liveing, of being strong as much as most times in my life. the fear is if i am wrong if I do stand up for myself.

the fear is being my mother or my mothers mother.
                - she had a similar but even more traumatic experiance as a child, she said she would always support me and be there for me but once she didnt get the aknowlagment from her mother, she turned and treated me as her mom did to her. she minimised my experiance. It wasnt as bad as her's and why was i still dwelling on it? she was nearing 50 when she started to get past it herself and i wasnt even 30. I was much farther in my healing than she was. I just had a few bumps, and i needed my mom to just listen and be there to radicaly accept me as I was and am without judgment without being at arms length. I needed a mother.

Tghe fear is not being attached to my children (which is not a problem anymore most days as the opposite seems to be true now)

the fear is blaming them, and in the same breath saying the opposite.

the fear is being my aunt.

the fear is being a burdan.

The fear is of being annoying.

the fear is loseing myself if i begin to live to the fullest again. but in not the fear is winning as we speak.

The fear is not haveing control.

the fear is athorety.

the fear is loseing a child if i dont follow standard of care.

the fear is being good at something.

the fear is not listening to my heart.

the fear is not being deserveing of all that is good in my life.

the fear is not haveing my mother there for me.
     - mom had a medical test she said wasnt urgent but waiting for it was a higher priorety than supporting me. I get that it could have been cancer. it could have waited two weeks.  i was in labor and out of fear of not haveing my mom there i sat down and told my body to stop so she could be there for me....this by far is the biggest thing. It triggered my childhood and how she would say one thing but her actions sent another message though i am very certain there is plausable denyability on her part.

the fear is my body letting me down.

the fear is all the messages i got as a child.

the fear is not being good enough.

the fear is not being respected

the fear is in not trusting or being trustworthy

the fear is not being validated.

the fear is being vunerable.

the fear is being vunerable again when i need to trust my strength and give myself empowerment in faceing the unknown.

the fear is that I will lose my friends again over "being a person like that"  when i know i was struggling emotionally.

the fear is fear but in refusing to give it a name I give it life.


http://solaceformothers.org/PTSD_info.html
http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/stockholm/
http://birthraped.wordpress.com/
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/127116/birth_trauma_can_cause_women_to_develope.html
http://jezebel.com/5632689/what-is-birth-rape
http://navelgazingmidwife.squarespace.com/navelgazing-midwife-blog/2009/9/22/what-doesnt-feel-right-isnt.html

new blog

just starting a new one for things in my life im personally working on. not so focused on the kids. more me.