Is thankful for writeing. march 10 2012

I wrote about how i reacted to a situation that happened on facbook after I had a miscarriage last month, I left the detail out as they are not important, I was reflecting on how I reacted to that and other tough things in my life. And how I use distractions during hard times in my life to not deal with my grief.

I am so grateful I wrote it out. It released some anger i was feeling, mostly at myself for allowing myself to be distracted from the task at hand. And for beating myself up about it and everything else Ive ever done wrong in my life all at the same time. Again for those who don't know me I am a sensitive soul and all past trauma comes back to haunt me often with each new struggle, it is a lot of work to get in front of it. This time was not as bad as any time it has happened before I wasn't tormented by it, but i was detached, I was dissociating, I wasn't feeling. It was a stark contrast from just the day before where I wore my heart on my sleeve. I knew something was up but could not put my finger on it as I felt "ok"

I am grateful for Dialectical behavior therapy the skills are mostly what kept me from letting my thoughts take me for a ride.

I gave birth to an 8 week fetus but I was almost 12 weeks pregnant maybe even more I am pretty sure I was 4 weeks pregnant alot sooner than when the test finial said pregnant I likely was 7 weeks by the time i found out but it only tested positive that week, and if the baby grew at a regular rate, which I dont know if he did I was only carrying him for a week of knowing he for sure was real and the day he passed... I was more pregnant than the size of the baby, And I loved the baby for each day it existed... even before the test tested positive.

All that energy I used to not get taken down by my thoughts kept me from healing in that time. I noticed my thoughts and my feelings, I wrote it out and the next day I was able to cry again to grieve the loss of the baby.

For those who read this blog for whatever motive, support, curiosity, to get fodder etc, most people who know me don't know How much I believe in fighting for social causes. This cause was in my heart long before this miscarriage. And it is not just about miscarriage, how we view it in society says alot about the society as a whole, and it shows us where our system is failing. It is more than the babies and it is more than just our own experiences in a tough situation, it is about birthing autoimmunity, continuity of care, it is about postpartum mental health, and that you cannot separate the issues as they are parts of the whole. no matter when you give "birth" to your baby all the same rights and levels of care should be provided. We all are parts of the puzzle how we treat each other as women in similar situations says a lot about how we treat ourselves, and it says so much about our society.

and maybe if the messages we receive about this can be changed I hope one day, we all can be kinder to ourselves and each other.

And as I write this It is giving me ideas on what to write in my letter to the health minister about the lack of support/ care / information in this Provence for greiveing parents. Someone needs to have all the answers in all the same place. When I went to look each person told me to ask someone else. It was frustrating and that too kept me from healing, and moving on. The system failed.