Fri Feb 3rd Pregnancy loss and taboo

When a friend (my cousins wife) went through pregnancy loss a while ago she didn't get much support. Her feelings were dismissed. she left the whole situation even more hurt defeated and. Disrespected. I was one of a handful of people who didn't tell her how to feel or to simply get over it cus it wasn't a baby she got to hold. My heart broke for her twice.

My view of the world coming out of it was tainted and thought about how cold and uncaring the world was. I get now it's taboo. And sometimes people who are thrust upon you in life tell you what they heard or heard others say to people in that situation. And even worse some make it about them. Just think a moment if someone you loved passed and everyone told you to get over it and not be sad. Or ignoring it and telling the mom how awful their week was. Most people aren't aware how narcissistic that is, telling a grieving mom how they should feel! Many of those people are on my list too. And previous to now I used to befriend people like that who were only there for me when it suited them and for a long time that suited me just fine. It was what I was used to growing up, it was my normal.

So I found out around Christmas I was pregnant! I was so excited, I had the best health emotionally and physically going into it, this time I was going to rock it! And leave behind my fears well actually face them. I had mixed feelings about the timing but I was so happy!

Then as things progressed my symptoms didn't, I began not to feel as pregnant. I would tell myself I was just lucky and all the indications something wasn't right could be explained as normal or common things. I began feeling like my period was coming for weeks then it got worse and started spotting. It all didn't feel right so we only told a few people we were expecting.


I think I knew right away but only last fri was there enough reason to investigate further. My hcg was 5-7 weeks I should have been 10-13 weeks. It went down 48 hours later. We booked an ultrasound the next day. Baby measured 7-8 weeks no heart beat but I knew going in. They made me go pee to see if they could get it trams vaginally. Going pee I started accepting it and not fighting to hold on. And things picked up. I knew they wouldn't find it. But needed to see for myself. This was wed. It's now fri.

I only criptically announced my grief to weed out unsupportive people. If anyone asked I would message them and tell them as openly as I could that I was grieving the loss of the baby and sometimes some detail. It's getting easier already, mostly due to being so impressed with every single person I talked to about it they all have been so amazing. I cry thinking about how loved I and my family are.

I cry equally as hard or harder thinking the words or seeing "angel baby" it makes it so much more real, it's happening and only I can get myself through my raw emotions to begun accepting it.

We decided to let things progress naturally as its less risky and more of a chance of emotional healing sooner if I face it head on. It's not really much more than a period that won't get going so far. There is risk of infection the longer it takes but that risk is lower than the lasting issues a dnc can cause. And induction is painful, it often brings on pain almost like labor even this early. When I weep I can feel my muscles tighten and try to hold on the grief overwhelms me. I need to accept this so my body will let go.

I tell my angel it's time to go that he is loved and I am sorry we won't get to see him grow up and get to know him. Losing a pregnancy is so much more than losing a child it's losing the hope and the expectation of a child. at least if I was further there would be a funeral and there would be something tangible to grieve.


Goodbye my angel baby mommy loves you.



If thank you for reading, if you're local drag me outside, bring dinner, fold laundry or just be there.

If you're not local, a phone call, an email prayers thoughts love and respect of the process, Is more than enough. And very much appreciated and wanted.

And everyone if I am closing off get me talking about it, the baby may have been a little peanut but it is the elephant in the room.