there are no words.

I struggled with the thought of even telling my mom I was pregnant. As I never get the support I need from her especially when I am having babies. I suspect she is triggered by it. But that is beside the point because she is not honest with me, and she starts acting funny and projects it onto me. Her words will say I will be there for you and I want to be there for you no matter what, but in an off putting passive agressive way. It has plausible deniability because it is as I have said a few times "weirdness wrapped in the promise of a hug"



I told my mom last night when I couldn't sleep, and received a reply today. Asking me if "they are going to clean (me) out" and I got a bit self conscious emailing her so I gave her the perfect opritunity to change the focas of our conversation. I said "Everyone I have told has been wonderful and not
one person dismissed my feelings and tried to focus on good things in
my life thank god cus that just makes it hurt more.

Well scratch that Tom inadvertently did that today but I know it's not
coming from anywhere but love, it still stings."

Tom is my brother, and his first reaction was to ask if he could come visit, not weather or not they wee going to scrape my baby out of my insides. She indicated maybe he was excited for his news which he just got a job, GO TOM! I told her point blank no he isn't a narcissist he doesn't make things about him, and we worked it out like we have learned to do.

Her next email was about how awful her week was. I haven't replied. I have long known the apple didn't fall far from the tree. She doesn't see it but she sees her family in me. It is there but I work damn hard to have it be less of who I am. but that sliver she latches onto and thats all she can see at times and we but heads. We both have been through more than anyone should have to suffer through.

I am sad I don't have a relationship the kind I wanted and needed my whole life with her, but today, today I think I lost all hope of getting what I need from her. I can't ask of her what she doesn't have in her to give.

I mourned the loss of my hopes of haveing the mom I dreamed of. I vented, I think I truly let go.



Her last email was at 7:14 am labor got going almost 6  hours later to the minute.

To understand the significance of this, with my second daughter because I really wanted her there she had medical tests she was waiting for, but felt like she strung me along, and wouldn't work with me to find a solution that worked for us both. I get It was a biopsy and was important, I could not help but think why not just say not these two weeks I was willing to compromise and told her such, I got the impression she felt trapped by the plane tickets i bought for her



and I was scared, I went into labor, in Walmart. I sat down and told my body to stop because I wanted my mom there I wanted to bond with her and my new little one, I wanted to share an intimate moment in my life with her. And instead I sat and told my body to stop and even the Braxton hicks stopped for two weeks. There was nothing until the day I was pushed by the ob to get induced. I started contracting before the induction I should have gone home.

I truly felt I wasn't there for the baby I could not protect him. In both situations holding on wasn't changing anything. it was time to let go, of my visions of how things should be and radically accept how things really were.

I have a hard time with trust, and the biggest thing holding me back was me having faith in myself and my body.