Aversion to blogging... and PTSD and nameing Fear

well, I knew i had ptsd when i had H but i really didnt "think" i did. Addison's birth opened up old wounds as did Hayleigh's

I am begingin to heal again, I just am reminded of the process though it was helpful when I had H, It honestly feels like reliveing it all again to put it down in words. It makes it more real, less in my head and less denyable.

I will be signing up for DBT again it was so helpful last time. It seems i dont have much time to be myself before a baby comes in my life and changes things on me.


I got pregnant with H two weeks after my first CBT group therapy. I got pregnant with addison with a month left of my DBT group. and i am severly baby crazy now and could possibly be mildly pregnant as we speak.

I really am not sure how much wanting another child is a desire to do it "right" this time. without the medical pressure to follow standard of care.

I do know growing up I wanted more than two but as a middle child I am deperatly averted to the idea of only three.

I live in fear, fear of liveing, of being strong as much as most times in my life. the fear is if i am wrong if I do stand up for myself.

the fear is being my mother or my mothers mother.
                - she had a similar but even more traumatic experiance as a child, she said she would always support me and be there for me but once she didnt get the aknowlagment from her mother, she turned and treated me as her mom did to her. she minimised my experiance. It wasnt as bad as her's and why was i still dwelling on it? she was nearing 50 when she started to get past it herself and i wasnt even 30. I was much farther in my healing than she was. I just had a few bumps, and i needed my mom to just listen and be there to radicaly accept me as I was and am without judgment without being at arms length. I needed a mother.

Tghe fear is not being attached to my children (which is not a problem anymore most days as the opposite seems to be true now)

the fear is blaming them, and in the same breath saying the opposite.

the fear is being my aunt.

the fear is being a burdan.

The fear is of being annoying.

the fear is loseing myself if i begin to live to the fullest again. but in not the fear is winning as we speak.

The fear is not haveing control.

the fear is athorety.

the fear is loseing a child if i dont follow standard of care.

the fear is being good at something.

the fear is not listening to my heart.

the fear is not being deserveing of all that is good in my life.

the fear is not haveing my mother there for me.
     - mom had a medical test she said wasnt urgent but waiting for it was a higher priorety than supporting me. I get that it could have been cancer. it could have waited two weeks.  i was in labor and out of fear of not haveing my mom there i sat down and told my body to stop so she could be there for me....this by far is the biggest thing. It triggered my childhood and how she would say one thing but her actions sent another message though i am very certain there is plausable denyability on her part.

the fear is my body letting me down.

the fear is all the messages i got as a child.

the fear is not being good enough.

the fear is not being respected

the fear is in not trusting or being trustworthy

the fear is not being validated.

the fear is being vunerable.

the fear is being vunerable again when i need to trust my strength and give myself empowerment in faceing the unknown.

the fear is that I will lose my friends again over "being a person like that"  when i know i was struggling emotionally.

the fear is fear but in refusing to give it a name I give it life.


http://solaceformothers.org/PTSD_info.html
http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/stockholm/
http://birthraped.wordpress.com/
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/127116/birth_trauma_can_cause_women_to_develope.html
http://jezebel.com/5632689/what-is-birth-rape
http://navelgazingmidwife.squarespace.com/navelgazing-midwife-blog/2009/9/22/what-doesnt-feel-right-isnt.html